Today's mood

I called my sister today. No answer. It's been 15 days since I've spoken to her. This saddens me. Still feel alone. SIGH!

Today I Feel Alone

Life for me has drastically changed. The fourth week of July, I was on the mountaintop following a very successful and fulfilling workshop my husband and I conducted in Tennessee. God used us in a mighty way. Before we could really celebrate the weekend’s victory, the day after returning home from this awesome trip, I received disturbing news that my dad put my mom out of the house after he beat her. What really happened, we’ll probably never know. My mom has mental challenges and sometimes it is difficult for her to separate reality from imagination. I do believe my dad’s impatience, pride, and controlling nature has caused him to hurt mom far more than he has helped her and there most likely was an “incident” between them. With no options, I took my mom into my home. August 6, 2013 began a new chapter in my life story. This was the day I became a caregiver to my mom.

 It’s been 17 days of my mom living with us and 25 days since the “incident” occurred. I have experienced a range of emotion. Any life change can be stressful. I am definitely feeling the stress! I don’t resent nor regret my decision to take mom in. Her mental condition borders the line of severe and clinical. Her eyesight has failed. Caring for her is almost like taking in a newborn.  I am physically ill, and some years ago declared handicap by my doctor. I didn’t know how this new change would affect my health. So far, in spite of it all I am managing well.

Right now, I am dealing with anger. Why? I wonder where is my family .  Since “the incident” I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve spoken with my sister. I had to make the decision to take my mom in without her input because she did not return any of my phone calls. She stated her phone was not properly functioning, and I believe that, but it doesn’t erase the fact that there has been a lack of communication. My sister has often called me her “rock”, yet, I have received no emotional support. My nephew called complaining that I did not inform him about “the incident”, and not once did he ask about my own state of mind.  I thank God for my husband and children. They have been there for me.

 

So how am I feeling – alone & abandoned. But I also am concern about my mom. I wonder how does she really feel? She has gone through a very traumatic experience. She believes she has been beaten and put out of her house by her husband of 51 years. She has had to move out of her state to an unfamiliar place. She has physical and emotional pains. Yet, her “so very upset & angry with papa” grandson has not called. Her daughter has not called for her (I called her on her birthday and mother spoke with her then). Her husband has not asked to speak with her (actually, I think he’s scared & doesn’t know what to say). I’m feeling alone and abandoned. I bet my mom feels the same or worse. That makes me angry.

I love my family - my sister, and her children. Right now, I’m disappointed.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…...

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV)

A recent discussion with my husband of my birthday wishes triggered memories of a childhood birthday party. I was telling him how I had only one birthday party in my lifetime and that party came when I turned 6, 7, or 8. My mom hosted the party and I have no memories of my dad attending (just bringing out the absence of dad in my life). How typical! My husband was surprised —just one childhood party! I remember some of the kids who attended the party. My Sister, the 2 Mitchell girls, the 3 Carter kids, June, and Ree. Gosh, I still don’t remember dad being there.  Back then we dressed up for parties. At least, we dressed up for mine.

My husband was shocked that my parents hadn’t given me parties as we have done each year for our kids. I only remember my sister having one party too. A few weeks ago, I visited my mom and to our surprise she boldly, confidently, and proudly stated, “Well, I only gave you one birthday party!” I don’t remember how we got on the subject, but she confessed loud and proud. My husband and I really “laughed out loud”. Then mom says, “what, you’re mad about that too?”  

 

Dad was the kind of man that didn’t want people, other than his family, his friends and his clients, at our house. He spent money on us only for necessities, so I pretty much concluded he was the reason behind the lack of parties. However, my mom’s confession caused me to reflect back to the 60’s and 70’s. I really don’t remember ever going to neighborhood birthday parties. Of course it’s the parents that receive the invitations, so either mom didn’t tell us about parties or, perhaps, it was not common practice for kids to have parties.

 

Secondly, my mom’s statement got me to thinking…….Maybe she really didn’t have a clue about kids wanting a birthday party. Wow, her actions may not have been deliberate! After all, she was a Christmas baby and did not get birthday attention. In hindsight, I’ve had a few realizations:
 

1.       Parties were not common practice. I’m grateful for the one I did have.

2.       My mom’s childhood birthdays being overlooked affected her ability to give attention to her own kid’s birthdays. If not dealt with, our own childhood experiences could adversely affect how we treat our children and others.

 

Whatever the case, I decided never to skimp on my children’s special days. Their celebrations were called “The Birthday Affair”.  Initially I overdid it, but later learned not to overcompensate my children because of my lack as a child.
 

Be a blessing!

Anilora

 

Originally posted 3/22/2011

Why Am I Blogging?

My life, particularly my childhood, is full of memorable events.  Memorable, not because of pleasant and happy times, but memorable because of the lessons learned from past occurrences. Nothing just happens. Nothing in life happens by accident. God is sovereign, which means He is in total control of everything. Whatever experiences in life I’ve encountered– the good, the bad, and the ugly- I have resolved they were either God ordered or God allowed. In hindsight, I realize there were valuable lessons being taught to me over the years through difficult times in my childhood.

My father was a strict, controlling drug dealer and user. He was a crook who lived a double life. If you were to ask him who are the three most important people in your life, his answer would be "Me, Myself, and I." He was and still is a very selfish man. My mom was oftentimes passive and allowed my father to dominate her.  She never stood up for herself. She allowed my dad to go out, supposedly nightclubbing, just about every night, and not come home until after the sun rose. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know he had to be laying his head in another's bed. My father lived in our home, but was an absentee father. We didn't take family vacations. We didn't hug. We didn't say "I love you" to one another. Heck, we were not the Cleavers or Huxtables! The theme song for the Addams Family would describe my real world:

They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The (my family's name here) Family.

Growing up, because of his lifestyle, I believed my dad was the abusive parent. In hindsight, I see them both as abusive. My parents emotionally abused my sister and I. For most of our lives, we both struggled with low self-esteem.  Growing up, I thought my upbringing and family life was normal. Once I entered adulthood, I became bitter. Years later, I’d openly talk to my husband about my past. Now, it’s time to write what I’ve learned IN HINDSIGHT.  Therapy for me, and hopefully help for others (particularly my sister).